KAYVANO3

king of idiots

1. Someone: Hi! you're a dietitian right?
2. Me: yup
3. Someone: I have CD. give me a GF
4. Me: because I am a nutritionist, you want me to find a Girlfriend for you because you have a Compact Disc?
5. Someone: no idiot! I have Celiac Disease and I want a Gluten Free diet. but not anymore...wow! MORON.

Life is beautiful....NOT!

1. Friend: what makes you barf, vomit, throw up?
2. Me: hearing this: there is so much beauty to life.
3. Friend: so you think life is not beautiful?
4. Me: of course there are some. but ugly aspect of life is way more bigger than it's beautiful side.

My miserable real life (not pretending/pretentious social media life) problem

1. Friend: what the hell is your problem man? you're always cranky and shitty. what the fuck?
2. Me: you see Mr. Michael Buble sings: "it's a beautiful day and I can't stop smiling". my problem is: I am never like that.
3. Friend: OK. have ever heard of a medicine called Cocaine?

No Tolerance Policy

1. Friend: what do you do when he/she cheats on you?
2. Me: what do you do when someone shots a person? whatever the reason, the shooter has to face the consequences. getting cheated on hurts. go after his/her family/friends/money/dignity. whatever that causes the most damage. no tolerance, no mercy. people should think twice before cheating.

why I need to know it all?

1. People: what is the Recommended Daily Allowance for Calcium?
2. Me: I don't know
3. People: what is the Recommended Daily Allowance for Vitamin A?
4. Me: I don't know
5. People: what is the Recommended Daily Allowance for Thiamine?
6. Me: look, yes I am studying nutrition. but it does not mean that I should know every single amount or number or percent. I do memorize some but not all. I'm about diagnoses and solution. numbers belong in books.

DO NOT PUSH

1. Girlfriend: do you love me?
2. Me: no
3. Girlfriend: yes you do, you just won't say it
4. Me: no I like you a lot but I don't know about love
5. Girlfriend: you're just teasing me...(makes dumb faces)...I love you too
6. Me: lady! you're gonna be heart-broken

thanks

1. Mom: I think you're a moron honey
2. Me: HEY! don't tell me something I already know

Yes I Am

1. Mom: why did you bite him?
2. Me: he called me names.
3. Mom: OK. but why bite his neck?
4. Me: because I'm a vampire. that's what we do.

1. jerk: you remind me of a serial killer I saw in the news
2. me: you remind me of my poop from this morning. btw, I flushed you away.

waste your time

1. Friend: I have a feeling that I waste too much valuable time. I need to find a way to control this. any suggestions?
2. Me: yes actually. observe my daily life actions and DON'T DO what I do.

some times you need to hit them hard

1. Someone: you know, I'm not the person I used to be. I've changed. a lot.
2. Me: what can I say or do that will make you understand that I do not care about you or your life?

so I have a question

1. Some Idiot: so then you're a dietitian?
2. Me: you could say that. 2 more months to go.
3. Some Idiot: that's good enough for me. I have a question?
4. Me: lay it on me.
5. Some Idiot: How do you lose weight? (with a dumb face like he is asking a million dollar question and GOD is about to give the best answer and solve this mystery of life.)
6. Me: just don't fucking eat.

when it' s not a good time to tell a joke...

1. Friend: why did the chicken cross the road?
2. Me: I don't know about the chicken but I did it to get away from the idiots surrounding me.

I'm gonna be damn successful

1. Professor: I'll ask you a question. based on your answer, I'll tell you if you're suited for a nutrition/diet field job.
2. Me: OK, hit me.
3. Professor: what makes you laugh?
4. Me: fat people.
5. Professor: you're going to be very successful in this area.

1. Friend: Happiness is a skill. You can learn it and it’s not hard.
2. Me: Shut the fuck up idiot.